I’ve recently suffered a bit of a setback, and I haven’t been doing too well the last few days. I’ve been in one of those states where I feel very jittery and unsettled. It’s one of those times where I feel like if I can’t be a woman, I’m going to explode. I’ve mentioned feeling suicidal before, and honestly, I don’t feel like that now. But I do feel like I wish I could just roll over and die. I can’t focus on anything. I haven’t felt productive at work. It’s been a really rough time for me. But I don’t want this post to sound hopeless or despondent. Because there is one very important thing I’ve learned.
Even when I feel hopeless and desponden, I know this—it will pass. I remember why I named this blog “Sweet is the Peace.” Here is the hymn where that name comes from. The words are deeply moving, and very appropriate to my situation:
- Sweet is the peace the gospel brings To seeking minds and true.
With light refulgent on its wings It clears the human view. - Its laws and precepts are divine And show a Father’s care.
Transcendent love and mercy shine In each injunction there. - Faithless tradition flees its pow’r, And unbelief gives way.
The gloomy clouds, which used to low’r, Submit to reason’s sway. - May we who know the sacred Name From every sin depart.
Then will the Spirit’s constant flame Preserve us pure in heart. - Ere long the tempter’s power will cease, And sin no more annoy,
No wrangling sects disturb our peace, Or mar our heartfelt joy. - That which we have in part received Will be in part no more,
For he in whom we all believe To us will all restore. - In patience, then, let us possess Our souls till he appear.
On to our mark of calling press; Redemption draweth near.
Another thing that got me thinking was my scripture study this morning. I was reading in John 14. This is in the latter part of John, where Jesus is giving His Apostles final instructions before his suffering and death. I am impressed that Jesus trusted us with these deeply personal instructions to His most trusted servants. The promises are amazing (especially the promise of the Second Comforter—I’m not going to go into it now, but WOW). In v. 27, Christ assures His troubled Apostles, who are starting to comprehend His impending death:
27 aPeace I leave with you, my bpeace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be ctroubled, neither let it be afraid.
The important thing about this promise, especially to me, is not just that Christ promises His Apostles peace. It’s the type of peace He promises them. “Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.
The world’s version of peace is safety from trouble and torment. It is lack of adversity and opposition. It is the peace we feel when everything is going well.
This is emphatically not how things went for the Apostles. They were persecuted, beaten, falsely accused, and most eventually glorified the Lord with martyrs’ deaths. James was soon beheaded. John was exiled. Thomas is purported to have been martyred in a foreign land while preaching the Gospel. According to tradition, Peter, the Chief Apostle to whom the Lord had entrusted the Sealing Power, insisted on being crucified upside down because he felt unworthy to suffer the same death as the Lord. This is not the world’s promised peace.
The peace that the Lord promises is a deeper, more profound peace. It is the peace that comes from the assurance of the Spirit. That assurance comes from making and keeping covenants. When we do that, we receive the Holy Spirit of Promise, which the Father sheds forth on all those who are just and true (see D&C 76:53). When we have this assurance, we have the peace of knowing that our lives are pleasing to God. And more than that, we have the privilege of communion with the Spirit. This is particularly important for those who have received saving ordinances because one of those ordinances is receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost. That Gift is the promise that the Spirit will be your constant companion whenever you are worthy. That Spirit brings peace, joy and assurance to us, despite our mortal circumstances.
I have mentioned before that those who have “transitioned” have claimed to find great peace in their assumed identities. I have also said that I do not dispute that they have found a type of peace. They have reconciled their bodies and their public personas with their internal feelings, and have thus removed a source of internal strife. But that is not the peace that I seek. I do not pretend to know the spiritual consequences, if any, for those who make that choice without having first made certain covenants. But I could obtain that type of peace only by forsaking sacred covenants I have made. If I were to do this, I would lose the Spirit and the peace it brings. I would be forsaking a lasting, spiritual peace (the kind that Jesus spoke of) for a temporal peace (the kind His Apostles did not have).
The peace I have is the assurance of receiving promised blessings if I keep covenants. For example, consider this covenant:
33 For whoso is afaithful unto the obtaining these two bpriesthoods of which I have spoken, and the cmagnifying their calling, are dsanctified by the Spirit unto the erenewing of their bodies.34 They become the asons of Moses and of Aaron and the bseed of cAbraham, and the church and kingdom, and the delect of God.35 And also all they who receive this priesthood areceive me, saith the Lord;36 For he that receiveth my servants areceiveth me;37 And he that areceiveth me receiveth my Father;38 And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s akingdom; therefore ball that my Father hath shall be given unto him.39 And this is according to the aoath and covenant which belongeth to the priesthood.40 Therefore, all those who receive the apriesthood, receive this boath and covenant of my Father, which he cannot break, neither can it be moved.
But I am also warned in the next verse:
So if I keep the covenant, there are great blessings promised; and the promise is so firm, even the Father, who is Almighty God, cannot break it. But if I altogether turn therefrom, I shall not have forgiveness in this world nor in the world to come. That’s pretty intense stuff.
I won’t attempt a detailed analysis of the Oath and Covenant of the Priesthood here. That’s not my purpose, and I don’t think I’m adequate to the task anyway. But it makes my point very well. God has given us the supernal gift of agency. To preserve that agency, we fought against Lucifer, the Son of the Morning, in the pre-mortal realms. Through the power of our Great Captain, who was called Jehovah, we were victorious and Lucifer was cast out and called Satan. To preserve that agency, God the Father, who is called Elohim, condescended to sire His Son through a mortal woman, that the Son might be called the Only Begotten in the Flesh, and might be subject to pain and death. To preserve that agency, the Son condescended to suffer all things in the flesh, so that we can repent of our sins. And through that agency, we all must choose.
If I so choose, I have the power to seek that mortal peace that others have sought. I know very plainly the dire consequences that choice would have for me. The Lord has taught me what they are. But the choice is still mine. On the other hand, I have another choice. I can choose to do those things the Lord has taught me will make my covenants effective before Him. When I do those things, the covenants are ratified by the Holy Spirit of Promise. I can then receive a different kind of peace; a deeper, more lasting and eternal peace. This peace comes from understanding who I am as a son of God, and what I can become. It is a peace that comes from understanding (to a degree at least) and embracing my entire eternal identity and purpose, rather than just the most painful part of it.
And when I have a really hard time, like I have the last few days; when I feel like I simply can’t endure; when I feel like I’m going to tear myself in pieces; even then I can have the peace of knowing that Jesus Christ loves me, and that this too shall pass.
it’s good that you’re able to keep perspective even in the worst of times. i find it hard enough to just make it through. but lately i’ve been feeling a greater degree of strength. i’ve come to realize that it’s not about how strong i am, but rather about how much trust and faith i put in the lord. the savior is strength. though we won’t always enjoy worldly peace like you say, we can always enjoy the peace of knowing that ultimately god is in charge, he keeps his promises, he loves us, and he wants us to succeed and be happy. it’s easy to forget such simple truths in the darkest moments, and i think that’s one reason why we’re not alone. you have your family, bishop, and others who want to support you and build you up. i ought to build up my own support network a little bit. hang in there!
Well said. That’s also an excellent insight comparing the peace of the world with the Peace which comes only through the Savior.
My only wish is that all members of the Church would honor and keep their covenants like you do. I went to my niece’s baptism today and was reminded of some of my own covenants. And my heart ached because her daddy couldn’t baptize her, and several of her uncles and one of her grandpas couldn’t stand in the circle to confirm her, all because they have refused to keep their covenants.
Danny, I think you hit that nail on the head. If I were relying on my own strength, I would have gone over the edge a long time ago. All I can do is rely on the Lord. I’m a weakling myself.
CP, that is a tragic story, particularly when it is people who have had the truth and have made poor choices. But I thank the Lord always for the great gift of repentance, which gives us all hope that we can return, even when we have made poor choices.
I love the hymn which you have chosen to be your personal “Title of Liberty”. I ponder the phrase:
“In patience, then, let us possess Our souls till he appear.i>
What does it mean to “Possess our souls”? I am sure there are many definitions. I like to think that our soul is where we hold our true divine power. Our bodies, and the genetic codes which we rely on for mortality are transitory and one day will “no more annoy…or mar our heartfelt joy”
This life is plain hard. And, quite honestly sometimes it pushes us to the very edge of our breaking point. I have no idea why we each have to suffer with our certain challenges. However, do believe that our Savior never forsakes us. I have experienced that too many times to deny it. I am touched by your strong testimony of faith in the midst of this current storm. Please hang in there. I know that when the seas calm again, you will have gained even more power to conquer whatever may lie ahead. And someday, as the hymn promises, we shall each have a “clear view”.
Thanks, MoSop. I had never really thought about that phrase before now. I like your take on it.
Also, the choir program this morning was beautiful. Ralph Vaughn Williams is always brilliant. And “Be Still My Soul” is one of my favorite hymns, especially in times of trouble. I first learned to love it on my mission. I would feel frustrated with the language and the people, and then I would sing that hymn; first in English and then in Korea. Then I was suddenly able to rejoice in the language and see Korea and her people for the beautiful miracle that they are. Then I would feel better. So that hymn always calms me.
And I think the moment of crisis has passed. I survived, and I feel alright now. I’m going to make it.
I am glad to be back in town and checking back with you. Relieved to hear that you are feeling better. You are definitely going to make it just fine, my friend. How cool you served in Korea – and how difficult, too! I think one of the big “life lessons” a mission tries to teach us is learning how to find inner peace under duress. (which is pretty much 24/7!) If we look back and think about all we DID accomplish with the Lord’s help, it is a good personal witness to us that He will get us through anything else to come.
I agree that a mission is one of those intense learning experiences. It’s probably the first time I really learned to trust the Lord. I remember one time I served in a ward with an inactivity rate approaching 95%. I would have to call people Sunday morning and beg them to come to Church. That area also included an American air base, and I was once chatting with the Branch President out there. I told him I felt like I had to single-handedly hold that ward together, and if I weren’t there holding everybody’s hand, the ward would fall apart. This incredible branch president, who had been a member all of a year and a half, gently reminded me that Oliver Cowdery had once said the same thing about the Church, shorlt before leaving it. I wish I could finish the story by saying that our attendance shot from 20 to 400. It didn’t, but I learned a valuable lesson about trusting the Lord instead of my own strength, and spent some time repenting.
Another interesting, and related lesson, relates to the GID. It has always lurked deep in the back of my mind, but while I was on my mission, it didn’t bother me. I didn’t feel that ever-present, compelling discomfort with myself (interestingly, Danny reports the exact same phenomenon from his mission). So I know the Lord has power to do that. I also have had the Spirit tell me that I will not have that same experience again of having the feelings covered over and hidden (or in other words, I will not again have that temporal peace I spoke of in my post). They are here to stay. So I have had to learn how to turn them to good and make them a positive part of me. As I have gained understanding, I have learned more about the very nature of God, and have rejoiced in that knowledge I think I would not have attained without this trial. So I have now learned that I truly can have that spiritual peace, which surpasses all temporal peace, be it found in removal of the trial or embracing it in a manner contrary to God’s plan.
While there is not one person on earth that does not fall short of the glory of God, not one of us measure up in the sight of God.
For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus. (Galatians 3:26)
The very first verse in the Bible tells us that God created the heaven and the earth.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. (Genesis 1:1)
The first three verses in the Gospel of John tell us that the Word made ALL things, including heaven and earth.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. (John 1:1-3)
And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth. John bare witness of him, and cried, saying, This was he of whom I spake, He that cometh after me is preferred before me: for he was before me. And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace. For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ. (John 1:14-17)
Thus saith the LORD, thy redeemer, and he that formed thee from the womb, I am the LORD that maketh all things; that stretcheth forth the heavens alone; that spreadeth abroad the earth by myself; (Isaiah 44:24)
Jesus Christ is the creator, the sole eternal God, the Father, the Word, the Son and
He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not. He came unto his own, and his own received him not. But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth. (John 1:10-14)
When the Lord Jesus Christ began his ministry he was rejected by the majority of the Jewish people, and that is what “his own received him not” is speaking about. But the scriptures also tell us that as many who DID receive him (Jesus), received the power to become the sons (children) of God. So once again we see that the determining factor as to what makes a person a “child of God,” is what that same person does with Jesus Christ.
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. (John 14:6)
Those words still stand true today. There is no other way to heaven, and there is no other name outside the name of Jesus Christ to be saved.
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. (Romans 5:8-9)
And he said unto them, Ye are from beneath; I am from above: ye are of this world; I am not of this world. I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins. (John 8:23-24)
Be it known unto you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom ye crucified, whom God raised from the dead, even by him doth this man stand here before you whole. This is the stone which was set at nought of you builders, which is become the head of the corner. Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. (Acts 4:10-12)
And you hath he quickened (made ALIVE), who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. (Ephesians 2:1-3)
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; (Romans 3:23)
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. (Romans 6:23)
While there is not one person on earth that does not fall short of the glory of God, not one of us measure up in the sight of God.
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. (Romans 5:8-9)
Any person who dies without Jesus Christ will die in their sins,
I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins. (John 8:24)
He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him. (John 3:36)
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:7)
The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate. (Proverbs 8:13)
In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. (Proverbs 14:26)
And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation. (Hebrews 9:27-28)
Jesus said unto them, If God were your Father, ye would love me: for I proceeded forth and came from God; neither came I of myself, but he sent me. Why do ye not understand my speech? even because ye cannot hear my word. Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. And because I tell you the truth, ye believe me not. Which of you convinceth me of sin? And if I say the truth, why do ye not believe me? He that is of God heareth God’s words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God. (John 8:42-47)
If we receive the witness of men, the witness of God is greater: for this is the witness of God which he hath testified of his Son. He that believeth on the Son of God hath the witness in himself: he that believeth not God hath made him a liar; because he believeth not the record that God gave of his Son. And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. (1 John 5:9-12)
And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel. (Mark 1:15)
And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. (Mark 16:15-16)
For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek (Gentile). (Romans 1:16)