First, I should point out very clearly that although I am an active and practicing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, this blog is not an official site of the Church. The opinions I express here are strictly my own and do not reflect the official policy or doctrine of the Church. And by all means, if you find that what I write here conflicts with the revealed word of God, believe the revealed word.
So with that said, I will introduce myself as a member of the Church who has struggled with a condition—sometimes called “Gender Identity Disorder” (GID) or “Gender Confusion” among other things—since the time I was a very little child (see My Story). People who suffer from this are sometimes called “transgendered” or “transsexual,” though use of those terms can be inconsistent, particularly with respect to whether or not they refer exclusively to people who have had so-called Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) (sometimes called a “sex change operation” and a host of newer, more politically-correct terms). I have not had and will not have such a surgery, and I won’t refer to myself by any of those terms because I don’t think I am so easily disposed of. Each person is a unique son or daughter of God, with unique traits, abilities, gifts, and challenges and struggles. I won’t allow my entire identity to be consumed in a particular subset of them that I happen to share with a group of people.
So what is the purpose of this blog? Well, it is first a place for me to reflect and write down my own thoughts and feelings. I have found that writing is a therapeutic process—a way to process my feelings. And if no single other person ever reads these pages, that one purpose at least will have been fulfilled. But I really do hope that somebody else sees this; somebody else who is also struggling with gender identity. I hope to reach others who share my struggles so they can share their own struggles, feelings, and insights—anonymously, if they choose—so that everybody can be enriched and uplifted.
That said, I’d like to say what this blog is not. It is not a place to attack the Church or its leadership. If that is your intent, you can find many places on the internet that will happily entertain your complaints. But this is not one of those place. In fact, one of my basic assumptions is a belief in Jesus Christ and in His restored Church. So any comments attacking the Church and its leadership will be redacted or deleted. Is this censorship? Certainly. And I reserve the right to censor to keep the conversation uplifting and on topic. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t entertain sincere questions about my faith and the Church. Those are things I am always happy to discuss. In many cases, the only difference between a question and an attack is intent, and I will do my best to sense the difference.
Another thing I won’t do here is encourage SRS. Part of my purpose is to help myself, and others who choose this path, to cope with GID without SRS. There are critics who will say that it’s not possible—that the only real, long-term method of coping with GID is to reconcile your outward appearance to your internal feelings. I can sympathize with that sentiment. I have felt that way many times, though I have never believed it in an academic sense. Indeed, one of my greatest struggles has been the internal conflict I have felt between these competing feelings. On the one hand, I have felt a tremendous, overwhelming desire to be a woman that has felt like a great weight crushing me. I have felt that the only way to be at peace and release that weight would be to somehow make myself a woman. On the other hand, I have felt the Spirit very strongly, testifying to me the truth of the Gospel, and of the principles taught by living prophets, including the Proclamation on the Family that tells me that gender is an essential part of my Eternal identity and purpose. I did not know how to reconcile them. And at times, this dichotomy was so intense, I felt as though it would destroy me and drive me to suicide. But I have learned for myself that the Gospel can prevail and bring me peace. And though I am not perfect, I am better than I was before.
So I do not agree with those who think that SRS is the only answer. In fact, that’s why I chose the title “Sweet is the Peace.” You may recognize it from the Hymn, “Sweet is the Peace The Gospel Brings.” And that is my main message—that the Gospel of Jesus Christ provides you and me a path to happiness; that the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches me a better way than SRS (I say this recognizing that there are truly intersexed people for whom similar surgery may be appropriate, and in any case, I’m not here to judge anyone); and that He would not give us this trial without providing a means of dealing with it that is consistent with His teachings (See 1. Ne. 3:7). On the other hand, that certainly does not mean that I agree with all of the narrow gender norms dictated by society—that there is something inherently wrong with me because I’d rather read Jane Austen than watch the NFL. Indeed, in my opinion, many gender norms are merely abstractions drawn from majorities and imposed, consciously or unconsciously, on a larger population. I think the world would benefit greatly from a large helping of tolerance and understanding. In short, while I believe that SRS is contrary to God’s plan for me, so too, in my opinion, is self-righteous judgment and bigotry. I believe that I can be myself (a man with some feminine aspects to my identity) without pretending to be something I’m not (a woman).
So with that basis, I present “Sweet is the Peace,” including my story, my struggles, and the insights I have gained by dealing with this for many long years. I pray, with equal sincerity on both counts, that I will say something that may help you, and that you will say something that helps me.
Hi.I just found you.Thank you.
I have known people that were born with penises and grew up to become lesbians,and I have known some who grew up to become housewives too.I also have known lesbians who grew up to become gay men!
I have also known a lot of people who fit in,in between as well.As a child I identified with women more than men-often being removed from young women classes!!So I understand some of the issues involved.Remember to always pray.
Uncle Arthur.
Very bold. And very well written, I must say. Keep the faith.
Thanks for stopping by, Fife. I appreciate your openness in your own journal, and it’s refreshing to see somebody else who takes a stand on behalf of the prophets. Like Uncle Arthur said above, keep praying. Maybe someday we will see a world where people on both ends of thought are understanding enough to accept a gender confused person who stands firm in the Gospel.
I stumbled across your website this morning after preparing my Sunday School lesson. Thankfully, I have not had to personally cope with the issues you addressed but have counseled with some who have. I just wanted you to know that I read your thoughts and found myself very much touched by the spirit. You have increased my faith this Sabbath day and have broadened my view of the world about me. And yes, even called me to repentance. For this, I thank you.
Sid, thanks for stopping by, and especially for commenting. I see from my logs that lots of people stop by, but very few say anything. I think many don’t know what to think, much less what to say. But honestly, I’m not looking for anybody to have all the answers. God has those. Just having somebody say, “Thanks, I found this uplifting” means worlds to me. And if I’ve helped you open up your perspective a little, even better.
I found your blog randomly today and I thought that you might want to hear what happened. As I was reading your post a song on my mp3 playlist began to play entitled “My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee.” If you have not heard the song a choir recently sang the song after Elder Holland’s CES fireside in August.
Here is an excerpt from the song:
Though thine afflictions seem
At times too great to bear,
I know thine every thought and every care.
And though the very jaws
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee.
And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,
And with healing will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
Though the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
Know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!
I respect you for posting your story here for others to read it. I know how much courage and faith in the savior it takes to tell those you love about something you are struggling with. You will be in my prayers. May our father in heaven bless you and may we guide all those who feel lonely to his loving arms.
You can watch Elder Holland’s entire talk here:
http://www.lds.org/broadcast/ces/0,7341,538-1-61-1521,00.html
TM, thank you for your kind comment. Elder Holland is one of my favorite speakers, and I have read those beautiful words of the prophet Isaiah many times when I have faced my deepest, darkest struggles. I loved that Elder Holland called Liberty Jail the prophet Joseph’s “prison temple” in the small clip of his talk with the song. It is true that if we turn to the Lord, He can consecrate our greatest trials to our good, and our prisons may become temples.
I think my son my have some issues with GID. He has liked to “dress up” in his sisters’ costumes since he was about two. At first we thought it was funny, but when we decided to get rid of all of them when he started “sneaking” and putting them on. Now that he’s seven, he’s finally confided in me that he wishes he were a girl. I told him that Heavenly Father made him a boy and that his dad and I were so happy when he was born – we wanted a little boy so much. He said, “that makes me cry when you say that.” I’m not sure what to do. He’s “all boy” in so many ways, but every once in a while I think he’s covering up his true feelings because he’s ashamed. Any advice?
Lots of advice, but I don’t know if any of it’s good. First of all, I am already praying for your little boy. My heart breaks for him, because I know how he feels. Second, recognize that there truly are kids who just go through confused “phases” and who really do “just grow out of it” at some point. I can’t tell you if your son is one who will grow out of it, or if he’s in for a whole life of gender confusion. But I can tell you that either way, you and he can find comfort in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I would warn you about transsexual/transgender activist groups. Many of them will have very compelling stories that will sound very much to you and your son like what you all are going through. Many of these groups will advocate that “transitioning” is the ONLY way. I testify to you that it is not true. There are pains and struggles on the path I have chosen, but the rewards are infinitely greater.
I think that one of the most important things you can do is make sure he knows that you are not ashamed of him and that you love him. Feelings of shame drove me to keep my feelings and my problems to myself for many, many years. I denied myself of the aid of loving parents for so long because I felt ashamed. Reinforce to your son that you love him, and that even if you do not necessarily understand why he wants to be a girl, you will love him and stand with him. Tell him explicitly that he does not need to feel ashamed and he can always, always talk to you about anything.
Beyond that, I don’t know a whole lot of answers. The Church has few formal resources (I’m assuming you’re LDS since you came here; if not, I’ll just have to say that I speak of the Church a lot because it has been the source of my strength). The Church Handbook basically tells bishops that a person who has had surgery cannot hold the Priesthood but can be baptized if otherwise worthy. That is it, as far as formal Church resources.
This will probably seem odd to you, but I would like to bring it up. I have not been able to find any place where a prophet has taught that it is sinful for a boy to wear a dress. I have spoken with many others, and none of them have been able to find such a teaching either. I have known some who have been living outwardly as the opposite gender without surgery, and who have been permitted to take the Sacrament. One even does so on counsel from his Bishop. I’m not saying send your son to church in a dress, or teach him to wallow in cross-gender feelings. I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is. What I am saying is please, please do not tell him that he is sinning if he dresses up in a girl’s dress. That has led me (and others) to feelings of shame that have just added to the difficulty and made us feel alienated. There are good, valid reasons for me to dress in a gender-appropriate way, but there are also good reasons for me to do certain things that help me process my cross-gender feelings in a healthy way.
We have a discussion group at North Star specifically for gender issues like this. We are a pretty mixed group. One of our members is a wonderful father whose son is currently transitioning to female. He is a kind and supportive man who also tried to talk to his son about gender when he was a little boy. He told him a story about a puppy that wanted to be a kitten. It didn’t really work. I don’t know what will. I would like to invite you to joint the group. We don’t have all the answers, but our love and concern are real.
Keep the faith. You and your son will be in our prayers. If you have any other questions, feel free to e-mail me at sweetisthepeace@gmail.com (and/or join our group; we’d love to have you).
[AT THE AUTHOR’S REQUEST, THIS COMMENT HAS BEEN DELETED. HE WILL POST A REDACTED VERSION SHORTLY]
I just caught this post at a moment where I have been having a spiritual feeling that has been hard to interpret and wondering what to do with it. I am going to begin by adding to sweetisthepeace and Eri’s Dad’s remarks and see if that satisfies the spiritual feeling I have been experiencing. All three of us take the gospel seriously but also deal, in one way or the other, with this confusing issue and are collectively interested in concocting a fairly reliable response for those who have a young child who also deals with this issue. So far we have come up with no one easy answer. I will say that the mere fact that your child could speak to you so openly about this shows that he trusts you as parents and that you have likely done a great job of raising him. The fact that he is experiencing these feelings before he turns 8 shows that his condition has not been brought about by temptation from the devil.
If it has lasted this long for him it may not be likely to go away right away but we also don’t know that it will last throughout his life. Unfortunately, as sweetisthepeace and I can tell you it is certainly a possibility that it can last for years.
We don’t have easy answers and I can’t give all my possibly fruitful suggestions now but you might want to see what happens if you say something along the lines of, “Well, would you like to go out for pizza with us tonight with a dress on?” Don’t make it sound like a threat but just make it sound like an opportunity you are giving him and gage his response. It could be that when confronted with going out in public in girl’s clothes that that idea might not seem so great to him. Then again it could seem great to him. In that case you would have to decide if you could do a family outing like that. If you’re open to it it might be okay to try it once. I have to clarify that this is not so much “letting him do whatever he wants” but a way for all involved to explore the implications and ramifications of his desires. It could be playing with fire but it might be the end to something that’s just a phase. I don’t know the whole situation so this is no more than a suggestion, and one that is open to your own interpretation.
I could say more but want to save some for later and end this particular post and say to continue to just be good parents, parents whose kids can talk with them openly. I couldn’t talk about my situation with anyone when I was 7, certainly not my parents. If I could have I’m not sure whether or not I would still have GID well into my thirties. I might still have it but I would at least feel like I could talk with my parents about it and that would be a huge help. I can’t get into all my history here but I feel like if I had been raised as a girl that it would’ve felt perfectly natural. When I realized I was expected to live as a boy it seemed odd but I did the best I could to live in a male persona, a persona which has been propped up with rickety, unstable psychological scaffolding but that may at least be stronger now if I had had a better relationship with my parents (and I want to give them all the credit that is due and admit that this issue is just hard to talk about with anyone). If I am to be male in the eternities I hope that at some point that scaffolding can be replaced with a more solid foundation.
I will once again meekly submit that I do not have the answers, but I will tell you what I believe would be the best way to handle this situation.
I would tell my son (as we are using the son as the example) that I wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be a girl or not but that God did and so we should pray to know the answer diligently everyday together and alone. We should redouble our efforts to communicate as a family and grow stronger – consistent FHE, family prayer, fasting, and scripture study. I would also encourage my son, that he must must must continue in his efforts to live the Gospel no matter what, and only by doing that would he be prepared to receive whatever revelation the Lord had for him. If it was to be a girl, then he would know by the Spirit and be directed on how to go about doing it and have the confidence that he was living righteously when he received such a revelation to withstand the darts of the enemy. If it was that he was to remain a boy, then he would know by the Spirit and be directed on how to live with this decision and have confidence that he was living righteously when he received such a revelation to withstand the darts of the enemy.
I would then make sure that I was taking the same advice I gave my child to know how to handle it and prepare my self for revelation from the Lord.
I know the GID aspect of my life got worse as I thought of my cross-gender identity as a shameful and terrible thing. So I would be to stop the self hate. I’d talk to my child about it and let him know that it was all alright, that his desires did not make him any better or worse of a person, and that the people who matter the most, his family and his Lord, love him regardless. I would encourage him beyond encouragement that he would need to be totally honest with me, that he could tell me anything, and that I would be there for him.
I know that as I was forced into a male role/dress; I felt longing that I could take on a female role/dress. I would discuss with him what exactly it is about being male that hurts so bad. I would explain the necessity, yet overall unimportance of sex-based roles. Then I think I would indulge my child in his cross-role/dress desires. This means I’d ask him what he wanted to do, and so long as it isn’t against any church rules, I’d help him do it. If anything he desired to do took him out in public where he could be scorned, I’d caution against it until such time he was secure enough in himself that he could let roll off him the short-sighted opinions of others. By doing this, I can also gauge better my child’s motivation for his behaviors to discover if his desires are based sexually (paraphillic) or by identification and then seek to know how to handle it.
Finally, I would do everything I could to keep my child away from the TG community. I would explain very cautiously what it is, what it does, and how it operates. If my child comes into contact with a member of the community, I want him to be ready. I want him to know if he interacts with them, it is as a sheep among wolves. I will NOT tell them they are bad individually, or that they all seek harm, but they are without direction and without the Gospel and that my son is more blessed than they to have received greater light and knowledge and as such should have tremendous compassion for them and others like him. He should only enter and interact with the community as directed by the Spirit.
If you’d like even more information from the perspective of an LDS TS who is not transitioning, take a look at by blog. http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com. Good luck to you.
(I posted this earlier, but my wife felt I had included more information than was necessary, so I have edited it a little.)
Hi JustMom,
SweetIsThePeace forwarded your entry to me and I was really touched by what your wrote. My son/daughter is now 21 years old, but I went through all of the things you are going through. Let me tell you my story, it’s kind of long.
When Eddie was 4 years old he came to me crying and told me that he wanted to be a girl. He was really broken hearted about it. I had already noticed how he liked to dress up and play mom when playing house. I didn’t know what to say to him. I held him in my lap and told him a story about the puppy who wanted to be a kitten. I explained that wanting something we can’t have just makes us unhappy and how the puppy eventually learned all of the good things about being a puppy and stopped wanting to be a kitten. Eddie tried hard to understand.
As the years went by and he grew he came to me from time to time to tell me that something was wrong with him. When he was about 11 he told me reluctantly that he thought he had a crush on a boy he knew. He was very embarrassed and worried about how I’d react. I told him that feelings were feelings and we couldn’t control whether we liked spinach or chocolate, but that we could control our actions and that that was what determined if we were doing the right thing. He seemed relieved and I just waited hoping that he would out grow these feelings.
When he got to be about 15 I heard from his sister that there was a girl at school that he liked. I started thinking that he had just been going through a stage. When he was 16 he started dating and even had a girlfriend. I thought everything was going to be fine.
When he was 17 and a half something changed. He started missing church, something he’d never done before. I became concerned and one Sunday when he didn’t come to church I went home to talk to him about it. He started to cry and said, “Let’s face it Dad, I’m gay.” I felt the world come crashing down. I prayed with him, gave him a blessing and talked with him about it trying to understand. He completely quit going to church and became vocally critical of the Bishop and other church members. He began openly hanging out with gay friends and stopped living the standards that had always been so important to him before.
My wife and I learned everything we could about Same Gender Attraction. We attended conferences put on by Evergreen International and monthly firesides put on by NorthStar. We met and made friends with other young men who had SGA but were living the standards of the church. This was very encouraging to us.
We continued to talk a lot with Eddie. I learned that during the period of his life when he was 15 and 16 that he was praying and fasting constantly, believing that if he had enough faith the Lord would change him. He tried going out with girls and making himself like them. He told me he even practiced walking and acting in a more manly way, trying to ‘fix’ himself.
He decided to go to Japan when he was 19 and stay with family there (my wife is Japanese). I prayed about it and decided this was a good idea. During the 6 months he was in Japan he spent a lot of time with the missionaries and started going to church again. He attended discussions with them and even bore his testimony. We were very excited about this.
When he came home we met him at the airport in San Francisco. I was surprised to see that he had grown his hair long and had begun wearing girl’s blouses and slacks. I decided I didn’t care what he wore as long as he attended church. He did attend church with us a few times after he came back although he usually didn’t stay long.
About a year ago Eddie came to me and told me that he had come to realize that he did not have SGA. What he has is Gender Identity Disorder. He explained to me that he had always felt like a girl and believed that he had some type of birth defect where he was born the wrong gender. The way he explained it to me was that he was broken and he wanted someone to fix him. He wanted to get a sex change operation.
I felt the world close in on me again. We talked about it late into the night and I tried to understand his feelings and not say anything that he could interpret as rejection. My wife and I prayed and fasted and I talked with my church leaders about it. A week later, late at night, Eddie came into the room with a strange expression on his face. He said, “Dad, I need to see some kind of therapist.” He told me that he had just tried to hurt himself. I was shocked. I could tell that he was really frightened by what he had almost done.
I arranged for him to see a therapist the next day. A week later he told me that he no longer wanted to hurt himself, but that he wanted to move ahead with the operation as quickly as possible. He made an appointment with a Psychologist who specializes in transgender therapy and invited me to go with him. I went with him and sat in on his first session. He has continued to meet with him and is living as a woman. He/She recently legally changed ‘her’ name to Eri and had her social security record changed to indicate that she is female. She seems happy now the she’s living as a girl and is making plans to completely transition. This month she got her Associates Degree. She’s working as a CNA. Most people who meet her believe she is a very smart outgoing girl with a really low voice.
I love my new daughter, but I miss my son. I know she is a good and righteous person who is in so much pain that she doesn’t seem able to consider the eternal ramifications of the decisions she’s making. I sense that she’s like someone who’s drowning and all they can think about is taking a breath. She prays with the family and does scripture study. She pays tithing. She’s trying to live all of the comandments, except going to church. She doesn’t know if there is a place for her in the Celestial Kingdom, but she wants to live as good a life as she can, but as a woman.
When I realized that she would walk this path and that there was no way I could stop her I decided I would rather walk it with her than have her walk it alone. I do not know if she will be resurected as a woman or a man, but I don’t care. I will love her the same whether she’s my daughter or my son.
Please feel free to contact me if you’d like. SweetIsThePiece can give you my email address. The one thing I would advise you is, please don’t tell your son how much you and your husband wanted a boy and how excited you were when he was born. I told the same thing to Eddie and he also cried. He told me he so wanted to please me and that when I said that it just destroyed him. He felt trapped. He knew he could never be that boy, and my telling him how I felt when he was born made him feel like he was going to be the biggest disappointment and it made him wish he had never been born. Tell your son that you love him the same, whether he’s a boy or a girl and that you just want him to be happy. Give him a hug and pray.
I know this has been really long. I’d love to talk with you more if you’d like.
Eri’s Dad
Thank you for all of your kind words and quick responses.
I don’t really want to think about this, and it’s hard for me to even come to this blog.
I want to say this in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings, but what I want more than anything is for “sweetisthepeace” to be right and that my son is just going through a “phase” that he will grow out of. My husband and I are hoping that we can help him learn to love his gender and to be able to overcome the feelings he has of wanting to be a girl. I am in no way ready to talk to him about choosing which gender he wants to be.
My husband is making every effort to show him extra love, affection, attention and to spend time with him doing “boy things.” I’ve learned through some research that may help.
Is there anything any of you might think, “If only I would have done that when he was younger…” that we can do to help him EMBRACE his gender?
Good to hear from you again. There is still no easy answer. Being loving parents who accept him unconditionally is your best bet at this point. Some have theorized that a child being too close to one parent and not close enough to the other could cause gender identity disorder. Certainly seems to me that that could be the case some of the time but there are people with GID from all sorts of family backgrounds. Yes, you want him to have a good relationship with you and with his father but immersing them in boy stuff doesn’t always help. But of course parents should still be good parents…
There is some scientific evidence that the problem forms in the womb creating a person who appears to be a boy on the outside but has the brain of a girl (or vice versa) but I’m not sure there’s enough evidence right now that we would just automatically recommend to parents in your situation to start “transitioning” your child simply because they say, “I want/need to be a girl.”
When I mentioned before asking if he wanted to wear a dress on a family outing I hope that wasn’t confused with “talking with him about what gender he wants to be.” I was just throwing the idea out that presenting possibilities to him could help him understand his own situation better. It could be that if you presented him with that opportunity he would think, “Hmm, maybe I don’t want to be a girl THAT bad.”
When I was about six I went over to a friend’s house. This family had a bunch of boys all around my age. I knocked on the door and one of them answered and led me to his parents’ room. Everyone else was in there but one of the boys had a peach-colored dress on. I asked what was going on and they said, “He was out with our mom who was shopping for clothes for herself and he said he wanted a dress. She bought him one figuring he’d get over it if he just tried it once.” As far as I can tell she figured right. It was a one time thing that they confronted without mystifying it; he tried it out and that was it. From everything I can tell he has not dealt with any gender identity disorder to speak of and is now happily married to a girl from our stake with several children to boot. I want to stop short of saying, “If your boy wants a dress then by all means get him whatever he wants,” but I’m bringing this up as an example where dealing with an issue without shaming the boy seemed to have helped.
I’ll save more thoughts for later.
JustMom, thanks for the comment. I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet (that goes for everybody on the list too). We went on vacation, and then the kids got sick, and then I got sick, and then I had to try to catch up at work, and all the time, I kept thinking, “I need to respond.” So no more excuses. I’m responding.
I guess the first thing is that there is no one universal creed that all of us have adopted. Since the Church has said so little on the subject, we have to seek a lot of personal revelation.
What I know for sure is that each of us is either male or female, and it’s not an option to “choose” to be one or the other. I am male, and wishing doesn’t make me otherwise. So I don’t think it’s really a matter of “selecting” a gender. Unless he has some intersex condition, your son is a boy.
The other harsh reality is that some people just seem to be pre-wired for gender confused feelings. If that’s the case, I don’t know that any amount of “conditioning” will make him better. I had GI Joes and Transformers as a child. My parents were caring and compassionate. I was never abused or mistreated. For some reason, my brain just seems to have some mixed signals. And I haven’t seen anything that changes that per se. I’ve just had to find ways to process those feelings and redirect them to constructive places.
I think the best thing you can do for your son is to keep loving him, and make sure he knows that he can always, always talk with you about anything, no matter how ashamed he feels. That may not take away the inclinations, just like Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” was not taken from him. But it’s a wonderful cure for the loneliness and self loathing some of the rest of us have felt.
Other than that, as trite as it sounds, I truly believe that the Lord can and will guide you with what your son needs.